Stand by your praise!
Share it with the world.
My client Lynda showed up for her session stressed out because a fellow director at her company had praised her. Does Lynda have a problem accepting compliments? Not at all. It was the director’s delivery that spooked her.
Secretive praise arouses anxiety.
“This morning’s meeting was loud and contentious about when to release our next upgrade,” she said. “I strongly argued for quality over speed. You know I enjoy a good debate. George told me later that I was eloquent and made great points. Now why would that creep me out?”
“Did he speak up during the meeting?” I asked.
Covert praise sparks ambivalence in relationships.
“No. Actually his compliments later surprised me because I had thought maybe he agreed with the other side. Come to think of it, when he came over to my desk, he sort of glanced around, as if to make sure no one else could hear him. Eww, that’s sort of icky, isn’t it?”
Yes. By being so private with his praise, George made it seem as though either he’d been too cowardly to support Lynda in the meeting, or that his support was insincere. This triggered ambivalence in Lynda, because she couldn’t know for sure whether George was friend or foe. And ambivalence can feel, as she put it, icky. Research shows that while we prefer friends over enemies, the people who cause us most anxiety are those wafflers who arouse our ambivalence.
Ambivalence in relationships raises blood pressure.
In one study at Brigham Young University, 100 men and women wore devices that checked their blood pressure during every person-to-person interaction over three days. When interacting with allies, their pressure dropped. Interacting with adversaries, it rose. But their biggest jump in blood pressure came when interacting with people they felt ambivalent about. Simply put, we like to know where we—and others—really stand.
Strengthen your relationships by standing by your praise.
Sincere praise strengthens relationships. And top influencers know that praise can be a great motivator—if it’s trustworthy. To create trust, here are some ways to stand by your praise:
- Speak up at a meeting.
- Provide a public testimonial.
- Send a group memo.
- Share on social media.
- Make a habit of praising people behind their backs. 🙂
Don’t create doubt. Speak out!
Lynda decided she needed to know where George stood. They had a talk. “He said he was sorry for his silence at the meeting,” she told me. “I accepted his apology but advised him not to give compliments unless he’s willing to back them up publically.”
That’s good advice for all of us. Let’s all learn to stand by our praise. Whether it’s personal or professional, how will you let the people you praise know that you mean what you say? Please comment below. If you’ve enjoyed this article, please click Like, and feel encouraged to Share. Thank you!