Professional women, speak up! But do so with “feminine tact.”

There’s a myth that women talk more than men. The truth? Studies show that in professional situations, men talk far more than women—whether it’s at conferences, seminars or office meetings. Meanwhile, other research finds that people tend to see those who speak up the most as being the smartest. So women should talk more at work, right? Yes, but women must be tactful. Some men may get away with a self-centered style—but women cannot.

My client Sarah is an introvert who wanted to break through her shyness in company meetings, where she had rarely said a word in three years. She was a talented architect whose ideas often had been passed over because she failed to defend them.

“What scares me about being too vocal,” she told me, “is that my company’s mostly men but there is one woman, Ariel, who talks a lot—and everybody hates her.”

“How much is a lot?” I asked.

Sarah thought about it. “She talks at every meeting… although actually, so do the guys. Hmm.”

Researchers have found that in groups, when women talk the same amount as men, people think they’ve talked more. (It isn’t clear exactly why. Maybe we just expect women to remain quiet, and so notice it more when they don’t.) This makes it doubly important for professional women to speak effectively, in a way that will earn respect and loyalty.

I asked about Ariel’s speaking style. “It seems egotistical,” Sarah said. “She thinks her own opinions are somehow superior. She is very talented, and a lot of the time she’s right, but it rubs everybody the wrong way… although, actually some of the guys talk like that too. Hmm.”

Our brains are wired to respond to men and women differently. Even babies do it. As adults this translates into an apparent double-standard. Men can hold forth in an “egotistical” manner and people may not mind. But when a woman does it the same way, they mind.

Recent studies (for example, by Stanford University and by McKinsey & Company) reveal the solution: Women should speak up more, yes—and they should do so with feminine tact.

What is feminine tact? Research shows that while growing up, girls learn to be more group-inclusive than boys. Rather than vying to be center of attention, they strive to acknowledge others in a bid for consensus. That is why in adulthood, women can be particularly adept at making others feel recognized. The most successful women communicate in this manner. (Think of Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s hugely admired chief operating officer, who writes about this issue in her terrific new book, Lean in: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.)

This was good news for Sarah, because she felt more comfortable speaking up in this style anyway. With some coaching, she eased into her new behavior, until finally she was participating in every meeting. What specifically worked for Sarah was to  say “we” more than “I” and to regularly mention others when she spoke. For example: “Joel’s emphasis on aesthetic integrity is a good reminder that when we work with this client, we need to explain exactly what that means for the stairway. This circular stairway design perfectly matches their choice of columns, and as Hank pointed out…”

Hearing themselves being appreciated, people began to respect Sarah in return. Her voice was soft but instead of ignoring her, they listened more closely.

Sarah told me that she did something else, too. She changed her attitude toward Ariel. “Since I stopped judging the way she communicates, we’ve become friends,” Sarah said. “We support each other in the meetings, which makes everything easier for both of us.”

Now you know: If you’re a female professional, speak up and be inclusive. But what if you’re a man? Do the same! Learn a bit of that “feminine” tact, and studies show that you’ll get extra points from both the men and women you work with. Ladies and gentlemen, be yourself—and then some.