Is someone’s personal habit driving you crazy? What to do about a “social allergy.”

Ever heard of a “social allergy?” This psychology term refers to the condition of finding someone else’s particular habit intolerable. Does it repulse you that your romantic partner always leaves the cap off the toothpaste? Does it horrify you that your co-worker very loudly slurps her coffee?

Social allergies develop over time.

When you begin dating—or working with—someone, you probably notice such personal habits but they don’t bother you much. With continued exposure, however, you may develop a strong aversion, i.e. a social allergy. At that stage, research indicates that unless you do something about it, your reaction may only get worse.

How do people get rid of their social allergies?

Among couples, one typical reaction is to demand that the other person change (“Friggin’ put the toothpaste cap back on!”) but that rarely succeeds. At the office, you might try dropping hints about the slurping noise, and then when those have no effect, you might come to resent your colleague’s very existence, which will make work a lot less fun.

So do you have to simply get over it? Is the onus all on you? Maybe, maybe not. Start with an open mind that the problem might be you, then address these questions:

What does their habit symbolize to you on a deeper level?

For example, research shows that among couples, a woman’s social allergies tend to revolve around her partner’s uncouth behaviors. Initially, she might think, “It’s plain wrong to leave the toothpaste cap off. It’s unsanitary!” But upon deeper analysis she might realize that for her, it symbolizes her partner’s unwillingness to compromise for the sake of her feelings and for the relationship. Likewise, if you can’t stand your office mate’s coffee-slurping, it might symbolize to you that she’s self-absorbed and inconsiderate, and therefore a bad team player.

Then consider: What might their habit symbolize to them?

The same habit is likely to have a very different (and also unconscious) meaning for the person acting it out. Your office mate most likely slurps her coffee loudly at home. Her slurping may indicate that she feels at home in the office. This might signal fondness and loyalty for her job—which could actually make her a good worker. Perhaps it’s not the case, but it’s possible.

As for your sweetie leaving off the toothpaste cap, it could symbolize a carefree spirit, or independence, or the opposite of independence—a desire to be taken care of. The point is for you to acknowledge that your interpretation of the habit may differ from theirs.

Then decide: Do you want to confront the issue or let it go?

Sometimes simply realizing that your initial interpretation might not be “right” is enough to cure the allergy. In essence, you stop taking their habit personally; you emotionally un-attach. But other times, you may decide that the habit is one detail in a bigger picture that you cannot accept. For example, if your partner not only neglects the toothpaste cap, but also leaves underwear on the floor, maple syrup in your computer keyboard and the car with an empty gas tank… then maybe your partner is being callous toward you, and it’s time for a talk.

When you ask for compromise, be ready to give it as well.

Begin by asking your mate whether you have any personal habits that drive them crazy. Find out what those habits symbolize to them, and don’t be defensive. Can you change some or all of those habits to make them happier? Then gently explain what it would mean to you for them to change their behavior too.

They won’t change unless they “buy in” to the need for it.

They must truly grasp your viewpoint in order to change, so be diplomatic. If they don’t “buy in,” they will not follow through. If they do agree to change, remember that breaking habits is hard. If they screw up a few times, don’t go ballistic. Instead, the best way to remind them is to thank them for the times they do things right.

But if they refuse to compromise at all, it’s time to disconnect.

On the other hand, if a partner consistently ignores your feelings about most issues, and refuses to make any compromises, then consider ending the relationship. In that case, your social allergy was a valid warning signal.

As for your coffee-slurping office mate, it may be wiser to work on yourself than to try to change her. Probe deeper into what it means to you—does that overly intimate noise strike you as a boundary violation? Is it invading your space?—and then aim to let go of your interpretation. (“She’s not trying to violate my space. The poor thing is just completely clueless.”) If that doesn’t work, you may want to talk to your boss or go to human resources. Maybe your desk can be moved far away from hers. In a work situation, it’s probably better to distance yourself—emotionally and/or physically—than to bring up the issue directly with the offender.

Why? Because unlike your romantic partner, it’s not your colleague’s job to make you happy. You might stir up bad personal feelings that can’t be resolved in a work situation. And in the end, it is your social allergy.

How about you? Have you ever suffered a social allergy? How did you handle it and what advice would you give to others? Please feel encouraged to share your comments below. And if you’ve enjoyed this post, please click “Like.” Thank you for visiting!