In a tough talk, avoid wronging; Instead, choose righting!

Waiting in line for my double espresso, I heard a young man at a table talking enthusiastically on his cell. I glanced over and was surprised to see he wasn’t alone. A woman—I’m guessing girlfriend—sat staring at him, looking enraged. He didn’t seem to notice her, as he cheerfully discussed camping equipment. “No dude, the tent has to be big enough for us and the dog.”

Remember to use a “soft startup.”

He wrapped up his call, I picked up my espresso, and on my way out passed near enough to hear her say: “Do you not even notice that I am sitting right here? Do you not even care that we’re spending time together? You’re addicted to your cell phone….”

I left happy to escape, but sad their conversation was going to crash. It had to, given that terrible start, and the direction it was going. You may remember that in my last blog, I shared scientist John Gottman’s prescription for any successful conflict discussion: Always begin in a friendly manner, with a “soft startup.” Through videotaping hundreds of actual couples, Gottman discovered that how a conflict talk starts will determine how it ends, 96% of the time!

Avoid making your partner wrong.

So you probably already figured out that this young couple’s conversation was doomed. But the woman was making another critical mistake as well. Did you notice it?

She was wronging, rather than righting. That is, she was attacking him instead of expressing her own needs. We can sympathize with her, because most people would agree he was being rude. But hey, nobody’s perfect and it’s possible he really didn’t know she would mind. (Plus, some people would consider his behavior perfectly okay.) Her personal attack makes him point-blank wrong, putting him on the defensive without leaving room for him to save face.

Speak for yourself by expressing your needs.

This is why, Gottman says, in conflict discussions it’s generally best to make statements beginning with “I” instead of with “You….” So, for example, let’s imagine she not only used a soft startup, but also said, “I feel ignored and lonely when you talk on your cell in front of me.” This would leave room for him to learn from her without being humiliated, and even to apologize for hurting her feelings, i.e. to set things right.

Even better, she should express her needs in the positive: “I’d love it if you would turn your phone off when we’re hanging out together, so that we can focus on each other. I value our conversations.” Do you sense how much better that will work? Now he has clear instructions on how to get it right in the first place.

Conflict opens the door to deeper intimacy.

The subconscious reason we sometimes often avoid expressing our needs so clearly is that it makes us vulnerable. We’re afraid of rejection. But think about it. If someone outright rejects your clearly stated needs, then it’s time for a relationship makeover (or a new partner). And besides, you will never be truly loved unless you allow yourself to be truly vulnerable. But you knew that. 🙂

Conflict discussions provide great opportunities to deepen any relationship, professional or personal. But they’re especially important for couples because real intimacy demands transparency; it won’t work to shove wounded feelings or smoldering resentments under the rug. Successfully dealing with those troubles creates stronger trust and long-lasting passion.

What are your thoughts about discussing conflict?

So remember not only to use a soft startup, but also to bypass wronging and go directly to righting. Make more “I” statements than “you” statements, and present your needs positively. In my next blog, we’ll look at one more crucial key to transform conflict into trust. You don’t want to miss that, so if you’re not already on my list, be sure to opt in for blog updates (find the form at the top right of this page).

Do you have any examples, tips or tools around this topic that you’d like to share to help other readers? Please comment below. And if you’ve enjoyed this post, please click Like. Thank you!