Want to help your friends? Celebrate their wins!
My client Karen thought she was an ideal friend to other people. A registered nurse, she was especially conscientious about helping out in times of trouble—consoling the heartbroken and running errands for the bedridden. She couldn’t understand why her friends didn’t want to spend more time with her, or why some of her friendships ended without explanation.
Support in tough times isn’t enough.
A clue to the problem revealed itself at the start of one of our sessions. By way of hello, she asked how I was, and because only five minutes earlier, I’d been offered an exciting business opportunity, I uncharacteristically shared my personal news. She stared at me silently, making no response at all. After a long, uncomfortable pause I redirected the conversation back to her, and our session got under way.
Now, I knew Karen to be a deeply kind person, and felt certain that she had not meant to seem uncaring. Yet on my end, her reaction—or rather, non-reaction—had felt cold to me.
Relationships require celebrating good news too.
So the next time she brought up her frustration around relationships, I asked how she typically responded to friends’ good news. “Well of course I would be happy for them,” she said. But how did she usually express such happiness? At that question, she drew a blank. Finally she said, “Well you know I’m a quiet person. But surely they must know I’m happy for them.”
Bingo! Thus we discovered a primary problem in her friendships (and, as she realized later, in all her relationships, including her marriage, which she was subsequently able to improve). Like many problems, once defined, it became easy to solve.
Research reveals how to best applaud other people’s wins.
Recent scientific studies conclude that while supporting others in tough times may be admirable, it’s even more important to celebrate their wins. New research also reveals exactly how best to do so. University of California psychologist Shelly Gable discovered four types of responses to good news—and only one of them strengthens a relationship.
The winning response is to show enthusiastic support while offering appreciative comments and questions. “That’s terrific that you got a raise! Your boss must realize how hard you worked on that last project, and that your attention to detail is invaluable to the company. When did you find out?”
Show excitement, comment & ask questions.
That winning response—enthusiastic and sincere—will strengthen any relationship.
In contrast, here are the three losing responses. Avoid these like the plague:
- Being passive. (“Well that’s nice.”)
- Being negative. (“You’re kidding. You got a raise—really?”)
- Worst of all, ignoring their good news. (“Did you see the game last night?”)
Karen came to realize that whenever her friends had shared their wins in the past, she had unwittingly appeared to ignore them. But because she genuinely felt happy for others, it was easy for her to change her habit. It just took practice. Since then, she has become quite skilled at honoring others’ good news. Her friendships—and indeed all her relationships, including her marriage—have greatly improved.
Strengthen all your personal & professional relationships.
Following her lead, you can easily strengthen your personal and professional relationships too. When someone shares a win, simply remember to:
- Show enthusiastic support.
- Make positive comments.
- Ask appreciative questions.
You will benefit from better relationships, and perhaps even more from knowing that you are improving the lives of other people. We all need support and appreciation. This is a wonderful way to provide it!
What experience have you had, either in sharing wins or responding to them? Please comment below. And for others to benefit, please “Share!” Of course, if you’ve enjoyed this post, please click “Like.” Thank you for visiting!