HOW TO TALK
Behind People’s Backs

Once upon a long time ago, when my client Joe turned five, he got assigned to make his own bed. This was an outrage, a unilateral change to his job description, but he was powerless against the higher-ups. He did the task resentfully, sloppily and sporadically until one evening on a day when he’d at least shoved the bedclothes into place, his mom pulled him aside. She whispered: “Your father said something to me just now about you behind your back.”

Joe demanded to know what it was. “Well, all right,” she agreed. “He told me you made your bed this morning without being reminded. He said you put the pillow in its place, and you put the bedspread on top. He’s very impressed.” At that moment, Joe came to a decision on his own, without feeling the least bit pressured. From then on, he made his bed every day with pride.

One of my favorite motivational tools for folks of all ages is praise. The science is fascinating. (More on that in my book, Self-Intelligence.) But right now let’s talk about the specialized strategy of praising people behind their backs, and of course the companion act of relaying that praise to its target.

Passed-along Praise Is Powerful Stuff

Joe asked me for advice on how to manage another department’s sales team on short notice after their director Sheila took an emergency leave. So I reminded him of his bed-making story, which he’d previously shared. He said Sheila was available by phone. “Well then, ask Sheila to give you details on what each team member does especially well, along with specific reasons for why each person can be expected to give their all while she’s gone. Take copious notes. Then make a point to relay that praise in person, one-on-one, and be authentic.”

This turned out so effective that during the month Sheila was gone, her people topped their usual sales numbers. “I think that hearing her appreciation second-hand made it easier to believe. Then they wanted to be worthy of it,” Joe reported.

This is the beauty of second-hand praise: it tends to be deeply convincing precisely because of its indirect delivery. When people give us compliments directly, it’s natural to wonder: Do they want something in return? My affection? My loyalty? Some upcoming favor? Passed-along praise comes without strings attached.

The Science on Praise Offers 3 Keys

Joe then adopted the habit of regularly praising his own team members behind their backs. He’d already been using direct praise, so he continued to follow the 3 scientifically proven rules for praise that we’d already discussed: 1) Make it specific. 2) Be sincere. 3) Praise people not for what they are (“talented,” for example), but for what they do (for example, effectively addressing customer complaints).

Unlike many corporate incentivizers, such as bonuses or time off, praise costs nothing and reliably delivers bottom-line results. Multiple studies show that when done right, on-the-job praise measurably boosts engagement, performance and retention.

Before leading Sheila’s team, Joe had already been seeing the benefits of praising his people. But after he began sharing indirect praise as well—telling one sales rep about the smart strategies used by another, for example—he sensed another shift. “They’ve stopped sniping, and they’re helping each other out more.” That’s because Joe’s actions were creating a psychological sense of social safety.

Behind-their-backs Praise Lifts Us All

Take a moment right now: Have you ever received a compliment second hand? As you scour your memory you might notice 2 things: 1) Passed-along praise is ridiculously rare. 2) Receiving it makes us feel really good, not just as though we’re all right but as though our world is too.

That’s because it boosts our sense of social safety. This is huge. Businesses nowadays are battling worker disengagement that arises partly out of social disconnection. The current political climate foments fear, M&As continue sweeping the job landscape and social media can encourage paranoia. Yet at the very same time, scientists are documenting the extreme importance of social bonds, both at home and in the workplace.

Office Friendships Benefit Everyone

During the 20^th century, it was thought that office friendships were a waste of time. But now numerous studies show that people with pals at work are more accountable, cheerful and productive. It’s not that you need a BFF in the next cubicle. But to reach your true potential on the job you must experience a sense of social belonging.

And if your own success depends on the performance of people you’re leading, you need to make sure they feel socially secure at work, too.

Maybe you’ve heard of a part of your brain called the amygdala. It’s famous for generating fear, but it also plays a positive role in your social functioning. These days it’s common for people at the office to have their amygdalae subconsciously on alert mode, auto-scanning for threat.

Praise Switches Us to “Bonding Mode”

It’s natural in today’s environment to worry about what others may be saying behind our backs. But that doesn’t mean it’s good for us! We feel better, think better and do better when the amygdala switches from looking-for-enemies mode to the opposite: happy tribe-building mode.

So decide right now to adopt a praise practice—and to include second-hand praise. Make a habit of praising people behind their backs, and of encouraging others to do the same. Add to that the best-practice of relaying such passed-along praise to its rightful owners. Regardless of your organization’s size—your nuclear family or corporate conglomerate—this will foster a sense of social safety and motivate all concerned to do their best.