Don’t give in to social lethargy or insecurity. Step up & reach out!

Over the last few decades, scientists have determined that we are, above all, social animals. That’s why we need friendships in order to be happy and healthy. It’s also why, to succeed in most professions, you’ve got to get along with other people. But what if you’re feeling left out or rejected by others? Should you adopt a stoic, I-don’t-care attitude? Never! Instead, reach out to foster friendships and alliances. You’ll enjoy your life and your job a lot better if you do.

My client Max was smart, talented… and over-sensitive. At age 30, he had a good job in online advertising. He employed strong social skills with his clients, whom he dealt with by phone. But with his friends and co-workers, he had gradually grown passive, waiting for them to initiate contact, and feeling wounded when they didn’t.

He came into my office one day despondent that someone in his social circle, Greg, had forgotten to invite him to a party, while at work a long-expected promotion wasn’t materializing. “Nobody likes me anymore,” he said. “I know that might not be true, but I feel it anyway.”

So what was he doing about it, I asked. “Nothing!” he said. “Well, coming to you. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

There was nothing wrong with him, but he had fallen into a common trap. By failing to pro-actively maintain his personal and professional relationships, he had inadvertently pushed people away. Then he had allowed himself to feel rejected, which gave him a hang-dog air that further put people off.

I asked him when was the last time he had contacted Greg, the friend who’d thrown the party.

Max shook his head. “He always called me first. But then he stopped for no reason.”

“Max,” I said gently, “the reason may be that you never initiated contact. In relationships, no one likes a one-way street.”

Then we discussed the promotion he’d been waiting for. It turned out that Jana, the senior manager who had originally hired him, used to be a close friend. Once hired, Max worked closely with his immediate boss but felt awkward around Jana, because she was so much higher up in the company. He waited for her to pursue the friendship, even though she was extremely busy. So instead of strengthening their alliance, he had let it wane. This was a mistake, both because she had been a good friend, and because she weilded influence over promotions.

Finally, I said, “Are you ready for your homework? Before our next session, invite Greg out for a drink, and ask Jana to lunch.”

Max said this would be hard for him to do, because he was feeling rejected by them both. “I know it’s irrational, but it’s how I feel.”

We used hypnosis to bolster Max’s confidence. While hypnotized, Max replayed in his mind some key moments from the past that he had spent with Greg and with Jana, when he had felt liked and appreciated by each. He restored the sense of connection he needed to reach out to them now.

Then he got in touch with each of them. Greg immediately said yes to a drink, while Jana suggested Max ask her again in a couple of weeks, because her schedule was full. In the past, Max would have taken that as a rejection, but with my urging, he followed up and eventually they had lunch. He now had a better shot at promotion, and just as importantly, had saved a friendship.

For Max, hypnosis speeded up the process, but you can achieve the same results without it. Think to yourself whether you’ve allowed any precious relationships to lapse. Is there someone you should be reaching out to, but haven’t felt up to it? Drawing on memory and/or your imagination, mentally rehearse pleasant interaction with that person, creating within yourself a feeling of positive connection. You may need to do this for several minutes a day over many consecutive days, to alter your brain’s neural pathways.

Then take action: Send that email, knock on that door, or make that phone call. You—and likely they, too—will be glad you did. Whatever happens, congratulate yourself for breaking through your old resistance and for stepping up!