Go beyond good listening.
Practice giving validation!
Picture a woman telling her mate that the movie they just saw deeply angered her because it showed callousness toward cats. He liked the movie, but can see she is upset.
A happy-couples quiz:
How should he react?
- Remind her it was just a movie (and they were just cats!), so it’s silly to be bothered.
- Nod silently to encourage her to keep talking, so she can vent her emotions.
- Repeat back to her what she said, so that she’ll feel listened to: “You’re angry because…”
- Tell her that her response makes sense. “You love animals, so I understand why…”
One movie & one true story of love
Jack, a retired fireman, had taken his wife Alexis to see the Coen brothers’ movie Inside Llewyn Davis. He liked it. Alexis agreed that the acting, cinematography, music and dialogue were all top-notch. But she hated the movie! One pet cat was lost through carelessness, another cat was abandoned in a car with a drug addict, and a third cat was hit by a car. Some people in the theater had found this unlucky-cat motif to be humorous, and laughed at it, but Alexis was horrified.
“I didn’t share her feelings, but they made sense,” Jack later told me. “We have a cat and a dog, and she dotes on both. Alexis loves all living beings, which is one of the reasons I love her.”
Listening is good, but it’s not enough!
So Jack knew what to do. He openly validated his wife’s emotions by telling her that he understood why she felt the way she did. He spoke to her with genuine empathy, because although he didn’t share her opinion of the movie, he does sincerely care about how she feels. This is one reason they’ve been happily married for nearly 40 years.
Jack and Alexis practice validating each other even during conflict. Sometimes they vehemently disagree about truly important issues, but they always remember to respect each other’s feelings. By going beyond good listening, they turn conflict into trust.
Validate the other person’s perspective.
Some “experts” advise men to just-listen to women, while not saying a thing. But that approach ultimately creates loneliness within the relationship. Other couple counselors tell partners to repeat back each other’s words, so that each can prove he or she heard what was said. But research by scientist John Gottman shows good listening is not enough. In fact, sometimes it can come off as patronizing, when it conveys, “Yes, I really do hear you (but you’re still wrong).”
Go ahead and be a good listener, but take it a step further. In all your relationships—personal and professional, romantic and platonic—practice validating other folks’ emotions and perspectives, whether or not you share their viewpoint. Usually, the subconscious reason people come away from an argument angry isn’t because they didn’t win, but because they felt invalidated. The easiest way to validate is to a.) refrain from judging the other person even if you disagree with their view, and b.) imaginatively put yourself in their shoes, so that you truly get how they feel.
And watch where you put your “but”!
Here’s a bonus tip, mentioned by a wise reader, Robert McDowell, in the comments section of my last post: Resist ending with an invalidating “but,” as in, “I understand why you feel that way, but…” This takes back with the left hand what the right hand offered. If you want to share your difference in opinion (which at times you must do, to maintain integrity), state that difference first, and then validate. “I myself loved this movie, but I appreciate why you don’t because…”
On the surface, this syntactic rearrangement may seem meaningless—but it’s actually quite powerful. What it conveys, on a subconscious level, is that you care less about being right, than you do about understanding the other person. You’re giving your mutual connection (rather than your differences) the last word.
How about you?
Do you have some experience or insight to help other readers? Please post your comments below. If you have friends who would enjoy taking the quiz or learning the info, please share this blog! Oh, and if you liked this article, please click Like. Thank you!