How to direct the “magic”
of the Pygmalion effect.

J. K. Rowling once told Oprah that she doesn’t believe in magic. Me neither. I believe in science. But new science tells us that we have nearly magical powers to affect other people. And that means, others also have some powers over us. The question is, what will you do about it?

We are all (subconsciously) influenced by others.

Self-help leaders used to say that in terms of our self-worth, we shouldn’t care what other people think or say. But science shows that we do care, and we are affected. Especially on a subconscious level, each of us influences—and is influenced by—everyone with whom we come into contact.

This is due to what scientists call social contagion. 

Special brain cells called mirror neurons pick up on all sorts of subconscious information. Let’s say you and I are hanging out in your kitchen, having tea. Studies show that when you reach for your cup on the table, my brain can quickly discern whether you’re going to merely move that cup to one side, or lift and drink from it. It’s not that I can consciously read your mind. It’s that my mirror neurons internalize and mimic whatever you do (including your sounds and facial expressions), so that internally I’m acting out you, and thus can sense your intentions.

Social contagion operates under the radar.

Most of the time, we’re not conscious of this internal mimicry, and indeed when we try to gain conscious control of it, we often make mistakes because we over-think. But, put in simplest terms, it explains why being around happy people lifts us up, whereas consorting with depressed people gets us down, and—as many studies have also shown—people who believe in us can boost our confidence without even saying a word.

Our brains create the real “magic” of the Pygmalion effect.

Have you ever noticed that when someone—say a boss, or a teacher—has faith in you, you tend to excel? This is called the Pygmalion effect. Your mirror neurons pick up on all their subconscious cues, so that at a very deep level you absorb the message of their expectations. Given that this subconscious process can work for—or against—you, what can you consciously do about it? Here are four ways to direct the Pygmalion effect to avoid harm and boost benefits:

1.) Become more aware of others’ influence by noting your own gut feelings. Your subconscious can tell the difference between someone’s actual belief in you, versus insincere lip service. So pay close attention to whether, after interacting with a particular person, you feel weakened and demoralized, or stronger and more motivated. We all have our ups and downs so if possible, base your assessment on multiple interactions.

2.) Strive to spend less (or no) time with the subconscious naysayers, and more time around people who truly harbor high expectations of you. Perhaps this sounds obvious, but it won’t happen on its own. It takes a push to break free from some relationships and to cultivate others.

3.) When you must be around people who don’t seem to respect you, you have two options. The first is to consider your own behavior.  Have you been inviting their negative opinion—for example, by self-apologizing in a misguided effort to be “nice”? This is a common mistake among women who were taught as girls to be modest. Don’t become a braggart, but do spread your wings; show enough of your intelligence and skills so that others can recognize your potential.

4.) The other option is to prove those fools wrong! Does someone with whom you must spend time (for example, a colleague or family member) insist on seeing you in a less-than-brilliant light, no matter how you behave? Well, maybe they feel threatened, or competitive, or they’re plain clueless. Who cares? Your best option here is to say to yourself, “Ha! That poor dummy doesn’t expect me to accomplish much… so won’t it be fun to prove them wrong!”

And then enjoy doing exactly that. Spread your wings and fly to higher achievements than they could’ve dreamed. It’s nice to know that when you prove those fools wrong, you do them a favor because you open their eyes to what’s possible. You free them from their own small-mindedness.

Choose to use Pygmalion power for the good.

In ancient Greek mythology, Pygmalion was a sculptor who carved a woman out of ivory, then saw her as so beautiful and real that she came to life. Decide now that you will help others to see your potential, so that their vision will help bring your greatness to life.

What about your power to influence others to become their best selves? In the next blog, we’ll address how you can use your Pygmalion “magic” for the good of all. It’s a mite trickier than it looks. So if you’re not already opted-in for blog updates, be sure to enter your name and email in the box at the upper right of this page.

How have you encountered the Pygmalion effect in your life? Please comment below. And if you have enjoyed this post, please click “Like” and share with friends. Thank you!