Improve your relationships
by giving praise. Be specific!

“My friends do a lot for me and I want to help them too,” my client María told me, “But I don’t have any free time.”

Fortunately, there’s something that everyone wants and needs, which any of us can give, and which doesn’t demand much time—but does require sincerity and specificity. And that is, praise.

Start a habit of giving genuine praise.

Adopt this habit today: In every conversation with a partner or friend, or a colleague whom you respect, look for opportunities to give genuine praise. Research in positive psychology has found that the more specific and personal it is, the better.

So instead of, “You’re awesome,” for example, say, “I admire you for spending your Saturday mornings tutoring kids in math. You must be making a real difference in those children’s lives.”

Making praise specific will help avoid flattery.

Being specific will help you avoid praise’s ugly, untrustworthy cousin, flattery. It will also push you to truly notice the good in other people, including seemingly small things. Is one colleague always on time? Did another improve a team meeting by being upbeat? Does your partner know how to fix stuff around the house? Has your friend shown courage in trying something new?

Research in both the business world, and in personal relationships, shows that praise works wonders, yet most of us don’t give—or get—nearly enough. A Gallup poll found that 65% of American employees reported receiving no praise for good work over the entire previous year! Meanwhile, surveys of 15 million people worldwide showed that the main reason people quit their jobs isn’t because they’re underpaid, but because they’re under-praised.

Praise lifts performance & lowers stress.

Study after study proves that praise strengthens relationships and boosts performance, from grade-school children to college students to spouses to military recruits to corporate teams. Praise also makes people healthier by lowering stress—and even a little can do much good.

Consider this odd experiment. All the participants were put under a stress condition. Then half of them watched a video of a person offering praise— “You are doing well,” or “That’s good.” Those subjects’ heart rates slowed and their stress hormone levels significantly dropped, while the control group experienced no such relief. If canned video praise from a stranger measurably lowers stress, imagine what heartfelt praise from someone who actually knows you might do!

Focus on the fact that you’re improving the world.

María did discover one pitfall early on. When she first began praising others more, she suddenly became aware that while they gladly accepted her kind words, they weren’t necessarily returning the favor. “I was making all this effort, which they didn’t even realize. It felt unfair,” she told me.

But María came to understand that most folks just don’t know the importance of praise. Meanwhile, she is setting a great example. And her initial flicker of resentment naturally subsided over time, as her habit became more ingrained and effortless.

Giving praise becomes a pleasure.

In the long run, when you give praise, you not only improve your relationships, you also receive a personal bonus. Three weeks after adopting the praise-giving habit, María told me that not only was she helping the people around her to feel good, she was growing happier herself. “The more I’m praising them, the less I’m criticizing me,” she explained. “Now I’m seeing myself as a wonderful person.”

Are you ready to adopt the praise-giving habit? Remember to be specific and sincere, and if at first it seems unfair that you’ve giving more than getting, just keep going. It’ll soon be second nature, and you will feel terrific knowing that you’re improving the world!

What advice would you give to someone else just taking up the praise-giving habit? Please share your wisdom below. And if you’ve enjoyed this post, please click “Like.” Thank you!