What creates good relationships?
Positive interactions and trust.

“With so much relationship advice out there, I feel overwhelmed,” my client Martin said. “Can’t you just give me the basics?” Why, yes. What creates a good relationship? Scientists have discovered two foundational pillars: positivity and trust.

Research now shows that for any relationship to thrive, whether it be personal or professional, romantic or platonic, the number of positive interactions must far outnumber the negative.

Losada line for work relationships:
3 to 1 positive to negative interactions.

For example, psychologist Marcial Losada determined that for a corporate team to successfully work together, members need to experience positive interactions—typically involving praise, appreciation or encouragement—at least three times more often than negative interactions such as criticism or blame. This 3-to-one ratio is called the Losada line. (The precise number, derived through mathematical modeling, is 2.9013. Whew!)

The Gottman line for romantic relationships:
5 to 1 positive over negative.

Meanwhile, my favorite relationship researcher John Gottman has found that for a happy, lasting romantic partnership, couples must maintain a positive-to-negative ratio of at least 5 to 1. Let’s call this the Gottman line. Because romantic partners are more intimate and vulnerable, the ratio is higher for them than for professional colleagues. Couples also require more forms of positivity, including support with family issues, and physical affection.

Look for opportunities to create a positive experience.

“So are we supposed to achieve those exact ratios?” Martin asked. “Because keeping an accurate score sounds like too much work.” Yes, it would be, and it’s not necessary. Simply aim for more positive interactions while keeping it real. For example, seize opportunities to:

• Applaud the good work and good deeds of others.
• Celebrate good news together—yours and theirs.
• Tell others what exactly you appreciate about them.
• Voice heartfelt thanks for anything anyone does for you—including praising you!

Ground your relationships in authenticity.

In general, scientists say that more positivity is better, up until a ratio of about 11 to 1. All relationships need some not-so-positive interactions to keep them grounded. For example, all employees must inevitably deal with some bad news. And even the happiest of partners must air complaints once in a while to remain genuine and trustworthy.

Personal & professional relationships require trust.

This brings us to the second pillar: Trust. Gottman’s decades of research show that the health of any romantic relationship ultimately hinges on trust. Meanwhile, international business consultant Stephen M. R. Covey finds that professional relationships also succeed or fail around the issue of trust.

“You mean like, meet all your deadlines and don’t cheat on your wife?” Martin asked. Well yes, and then some. Often, trust issues are not so obvious.

Relationship trust can be tricky.

For example, most romantic betrayal does not involve outright infidelity. Partners often betray each other—without even realizing it—in myriad ways, such as by failing to support each other’s dreams, or by simply fantasizing greater happiness with someone else. (For more info, see Gottman’s terrific book What Makes Love Last?)

In the corporate world, Covey has discovered that to create trust, a good manager will (among many other things) first extend trust. And in both personal and professional relationships, it’s crucial to take full responsibility for one’s own mistakes. (For more details, see Covey’s wonderful The Speed of Trust.)

To build trust in all your relationships:

• Always honor your commitments, small and big.
• Avoid negative gossip. Praise your partner, friends and colleagues to other people.
• Reciprocate. It’s easy to take others for granted—but don’t! Always give back in spades.
• Be the first to admit mistakes and offer apologies when appropriate.

Good relationships 101

“So that’s it?” Martin said. “Positivity and trust?” Yep, that’s it! Master those, and your relationships will thrive. Remember the Losada line and the Gottman line—in general, more positivity is better. And in order to earn trust, remember that you must go beyond the obvious.

What do you think about these pillars? If you wanted to add a third, what would it be? Please comment, and “Share” with anyone you know who might benefit. Of course, if you’ve enjoyed this post, please click “Like.” Thank you!