Authenticity means vulnerability: Why you can’t fake positivity.

I have an annoying behavior that I’m working to change. It’s a lifelong habit of sharing sad personal information with a happy face. My intentions may be good, but even if they are, scientific research reveals why the effect can be off-putting.

Emotional congruence invites empathy.

In one brain-imaging study, researchers used PET scans to monitor subjects who watched videos of people telling personal stories. If the speaker’s demeanor matched the story’s emotions—for example, a sad story delivered with sadness—then the subjects felt empathy for the speaker. This showed up both in their brain activity and in their responses to questions afterward. They liked the storyteller!

Fake positivity invites dislike.

But when a speaker created an emotional mismatch—by telling a sad personal tale with a smile—the subjects’ brains showed conflict-alert. Their brains subconsciously registered a sense of threat. Afterward, they also reported disliking the storyteller.

We naturally dislike someone who appears out of sync with their own emotions. Evolution probably taught us that such a person might be a deceitful rogue, up to no good. On the other hand, that person could be someone like me, who grew up learning to hide family strife and unhappiness from the public eye. Does that sound like you, too? If so, it may be time to replace stoicism with vulnerability.

“Stoicism” can be off-putting.

Last year, I was working on a Tedx talk about gratitude, and wanted to include some sad elements of my family history. Feeling some inner resistance, I pushed myself to include many painful details in my first draft. Yet I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.

So when I recorded a practice video, I delivered the speech in my usual smiling, upbeat manner. This felt odd but I didn’t realize how odd it was until friends watched the video. They were repulsed! One said the content was all wrong, another criticized the delivery, but in fact it was the combination—the utter mismatch between content and tone

Authentic vulnerability wins the day.

I redid both—discarding many details that seemed to me just too upsetting, and adjusting my speaking style to be less charismatic, but more sincere. The personal sharing still made me nervous (nearly terrified, in fact!), but the speech was saved from being a disaster.

When you share personal information with others, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable: Allow real emotions to surface. That goes not only for pain, but for joy and delight as well! Don’t damp down your wins with excessive modesty or pretended nonchalance.

When giving criticism, emotionally focus on the person.

You may remember from the last blog that when giving someone else feedback, it’s always good to employ a warm, caring tone, even if the news is negative. You may now be wondering: Isn’t that a mismatch?

Nope, and here’s why not: In that situation, your tone is for the person, whom (I’m assuming) you do genuinely care about and want to support. Your feelings about the person should trump any feedback of the moment.

Good parents know all about this. Even when disciplining a child for bad behavior, they convey love and caring through their tone, so that the complete message is: We may not love what you just did… but we do love you.

Share sincere emotions & protect those of others.

To be more effective in all your relationships, learn to be vulnerable—sharing your own emotions—and to be nurturing, i.e. protective of others’ emotions.

Even in the corporate world? Even if you want to rise to the top? Even if you’re a guy? Yes, yes and yes. In the next blog we’ll see what science says about these traits in the business world. If you don’t want to miss that (and are not yet on my list), be sure to opt-in at the top of this page for blog updates.

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