Couples alert: Grudges grow bigger if you hold them in.

Almost 100 years ago, psychologists discovered the Zeigarnik Effect: We tend to dwell on matters that we’ve left incomplete. Among couples, I call it the Grudge Effect. When one partner remains upset about an unspoken issue, that issue takes on bigger and bigger significance until it’s dealt with. So if you’re holding on to a secret complaint, it’s time to talk it out and let it go!

Keeping personal pain secret leads to a grudge.

My client David confided in me that he was too embarrassed to tell his girlfriend Amy that she’d hurt his feelings a full month earlier. “I know I shouldn’t be so sensitive,” he told me, “but what she said is still bugging me and making me angry at her.”

They’d been at a party, meeting new people, where he shared that he’s a software engineer. Amy had chimed in jokingly, “He’s one of those weird geeky introvert types.” He knew that she probably meant well, but David used to be teased as a kid about being shy, and her comment hurt.

Grudges grow worse over time.

A month later, it still hurt, in fact even more. He found himself on the defensive with her, grimly waiting for Amy to say something else hurtful. When she noticed his wariness toward her and asked what was wrong, even that felt to him like an attack.

“Can you hypnotize me and just make this go away?” he asked. I suggested that instead, he tell Amy his feelings. If he approached her in the right tone, she’d probably respond well, and he would be freed from his pain.

Airing a grudge to achieve “completion” dissolves the grudge.

In 1922, a psychology student in Berlin named Bluma Zeigarnik set out to study why it was that restaurant servers could remember complex orders perfectly… right up until those orders were filled. At that point, the servers forgot them! What she found—and what subsequent research confirms—is that we mentally hold on to matters we’ve yet to complete. Think of a grudge as an incompletion.

When one relationship partner hurts the other by accidently re-opening a childhood wound, this triggers an issue that must be discussed. No one should ever be ashamed or embarrassed about their feelings in this regard. But men (and some women) often do feel awkward, especially if they were brought up to hide their emotions.

Broaching the subject in the right tone brings a big payoff.

David and I did use hypnosis after all, to help him let go of any embarrassment about his feelings. After that, he knew he could bring up the matter with Amy in a genuinely warm and loving way.

The payoff was huge! Not only did she sincerely apologize, she also thanked him. She told him that she had been longing for more emotional intimacy between them, and finally here it was.

Don’t play it safe. Do make it safe!

Don’t get caught up in the Grudge Effect. Talking things out can provide both closure and closeness. Ask yourself whether there’s anything you’ve been holding in, because of embarrassment or fear or whatever reason. Also ask yourself if you’ve made it absolutely safe for your partner to bring up such issues with you. Remember to honor your partner’s emotions, even those that appear irrational on the surface.

Do you have questions or personal insights that might help others? Please share. And if you’ve enjoyed this post, kindly click Like. Thank you for visiting!