To get the credit you deserve, you must be assertive
(and in the right way).

If you’re not getting the credit you deserve at work, it’s likely you need to be more assertive. Research shows that this can be especially tricky for a female professional. If she tries to assert in a “male” way—being gruff or domineering—she will be shot down. On the other hand, if she’s apologetic about it, she’ll lose credibility.

The answer is to assert yourself confidently, while being warm, positive and appreciative of others. And if you’re male, studies show that although you don’t need to be nice while asserting, if you are nice, you will travel farther up the ladder.

My client, Melanie, regularly teamed up with Rick to prepare reports on consumer behavior for their company. She came to me after their third report. The problem was that Rick was giving all their presentations. That led others to see him as the expert and Melanie as merely his helper. She wanted to take her turn presenting.

“But whenever we talk about it beforehand, he says he loves public speaking and he knows I’m shy, almost like we’re both doing each other a favor by having him give the presentation. I don’t know how to disagree with him! And I end up feeling angry.”

“Hmm.” We were meeting by Skype. “It sounds as though you can get better at asserting yourself with male colleagues.”

“Really? But what does it have to do with Rick being male?”

I explained to her that boys and girls grow up learning different rules for social interaction. Scientists have documented these differences from age three onward. By the time we’re adults, they’re so ingrained we’re not conscious of them.

Each culture is different, but in the U.S., here’s what happens. Studies show that boys play in hierarchical groups, where they compete for domination. They engage in a constant game of one-upmanship to see who can be top dog. So as men, they’re comfortable being assertive and competitive. Girls learn almost the opposite behavior. They play in smaller groups (or pairs), striving to achieve connection through similarity and consensus. They learn to avoid being openly competitive. Unlike a boy, if a girl overtly tries to dominate her group, she will be called “bossy” and probably disliked.

“But how does this affect me?” Melanie asked.

Well, as a male, Rick naturally went after what he wanted. For him, their discussions were probably like a game he kept winning. There was nothing inherently wrong with this, except that Melanie hadn’t yet learned to play the game.

“Don’t take it personally,” I suggested. “Think of it literally as a game. Let go of any anger at Rick because he’s not doing anything wrong. Most businesses are run by men and so they follow male etiquette. It’s up to you to learn the rules. In fact, let’s practice right now.”

We did some role playing right then, and over the next few sessions. (We also took time to address other issues, such as her fear of public speaking.) At first, Melanie’s assertiveness came off as too brusque and cold—a style which might work for a man, but not for women. Research shows that people won’t accept that approach from a woman leader. Plus, it wasn’t her. Melanie is naturally warm and friendly—so she should assert in that manner too.

Finally, she got to the point where she could say (to me, playing Rick) with a sincere smile, “Rick, I appreciate your having given all the presentations so far, and you’ve done a great job. But it’s only right that we share this responsibility. This time I want to do it, and from now on we’ll take turns.”

I began to clap my hands in applause when Melanie sighed sadly and went on, “Rick, I’m sorry. I feel really bad because I know how much you love presenting, and I hope—“

“Stop right there!” I said. Surveys show that professional women apologize far more often than men, and that men often find this baffling. To them, it makes a woman appear insecure.

“Oh,” said Melanie. “But I wanted to show my appreciation because you know, he’s giving up something.”

Instead of focusing on his loss, I suggested, why not emphasize the positive? “Help him feel good about it.”

Melanie closed her eyes for a moment, then said, “I’ve got it! Ready?’

I nodded.

“Rick,” she said confidently, “Thank you for your flexibility. You’re a terrific teammate, and I really appreciate it.”

I gave her a thumbs-up.

Some weeks later, Melanie reported that Rick had not only agreed to her request, but even offered to help her practice her presentations. By asserting herself without apology, in a sincerely upbeat manner, she made it a win-win.

Whether you’re male or female, ask yourself: “Am I asserting enough at work to get the recognition and opportunities I want?” If not, start practicing! Be clear and confident about it, don’t apologize—and do be nice!

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