Time to have that difficult talk?
It’ll end well if you begin it nicely.

How can you ensure that a difficult talk with your romantic partner will end on a positive note? Research shows that in 96% of cases, the answer’s amazingly simple: Start your discussion on a positive note!

If conflict snowballs, it can do damage.

“I’m livid at Alex for joking about my driving in front of other people, but I’m afraid if I bring it up we’ll get in a fight and make things worse,” Karen said. Yet she agreed with me that if she and Alex didn’t have a talk, his teasing would continue and she’d grow even angrier.

Many people fear broaching touchy topics because if such discussions head downhill, the conflict can snowball and do relationship damage. Fortunately, the solution is wonderfully easy: Begin your talk in a friendly manner, and it almost certainly will end that way too.

How your talk will end depends on how you begin.

World-renowned relationship scientist John Gottman uncovered this fact through videotaping hundreds of actual couples engaging in conversation. This is why Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy the fate of a couple’s “conflict discussion” within the first three minutes. Wow!

All romantic couples experience conflicts which they must address to keep the relationship alive. But if such talks repeatedly end badly, both partners may begin harboring negative feelings toward each other and ultimately drift apart. On the other hand, when such talks tend to turn out well, they result in deeper intimacy and trust… and a sexier, juicier relationship in general.

A “soft startup” means no criticism or contempt.

To get those juicy results, initiate any conflict discussion using what Gottman calls a “soft startup.” Put some love in your tone of voice and body language! Most importantly, never ever begin a talk by expressing either criticism or contempt. Either of those will make your partner defensive from the get-go.

Don’t just vent frustration, invent a better relationship.

When Karen and I did a role-play, her initial impulse was to start like this: “Alex, you’re being totally inconsiderate and rude when you ridicule my driving in front of other people. If you really need to judge the way I drive, at least have the common decency to tell me in private!”

While you can empathize with her feelings, you can probably sense how the rest of that discussion would go. Alex would feel under attack, which likely would make him angry. Now we’d have two angry opponents facing off, instead of two partners aiming to build something beautiful together.

Script your opening lines to bring on a happy ending.

In our role-play, Karen crafted a softer startup: “Alex, I’d like for us to have a conversation about something important to me. Is this a good time?” Assuming that his answer was yes, she planned to continue, “Well, you probably didn’t know this, but it makes me feel embarrassed to have my driving skills evaluated in public….”

Can you sense how much better the discussion will go from here?

Do try this at home. And at work! All’s well that starts well.

While the science around this issue has focused on couples, you can apply this to your platonic—and even your professional—relationships as well. Just remember, the better you begin a conflict discussion, the better it will end.

While soft startups are the primary key to making such talks successful, Gottman has discovered other factors too. We’ll explore those in upcoming posts. So, if you’re not already signed on for blog updates, please make sure to opt-in so you don’t miss those. (Find the form at the top right of this page.)

What do you suggest, that might help other readers?

Meanwhile, what is your advice for navigating a difficult discussion? Do you have any favorite phrases or pointers to help other readers? Please share your comments below. And if you have enjoyed this post, please click Like. Thank you!